silence

Hello there. It’s been over a year since I’ve written a post, but you, dear reader, have been weighing on my mind the whole time, believe me. I’ve felt a bit like I’ve failed us both. I have no idea if I ever succeeded in being a light on a hill for you or a sister speaking comfort in a world of darkness. However, if I have, as I hoped, I pray you forgive my silence.

My mother died. It’s even painful to write it. She had 4th stage cancer for two years, so I believe I’d been grieving for awhile before she actually left us. The crazy thing about grief, I’ve learned, is that it affects us in ways you can’t prepare for. When you heard from me last, I was in denial. Then, within weeks of her passing, I knew. It hit me when she spent only 15 mins out of bed to see us before returning to bed once again. I cried in the bathroom. Started having anxiety attacks every time I’d leave my parent’s house. Then, she died. I floated in a fog for awhile, but I suddenly handled everything weirdly well… I thought.

I love writing, but I haven’t written since last year in the midst of the anxiety and denial. I’ve tried and failed with different types of writing and then stopped trying. I can even do other types of creative projects like sketching, but words are blocked. It’s like trying to get water from the wrong side of a dammed river. I’ve heard of the stages of grief being sadness, anger, denial, bargaining, etc., but I’ve never heard of the stage of silence.

To write a post about grief from the perspective of God’s Word, I had to be selective in which verses to include because there are so very, very many. God has a lot to say about death and grief. I like a few in particular because it’s as much about the mourner as it is about the one we mourn.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.“
John 14:27

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will live, even though they die. Everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
John 11:25-26

These verses are full of hope and comfort, not only for our present life, but hope that our loved ones never truly die if they lived in God. There’s so many of Yahweh’s people who grieved in the Bible, as well: Job, David, Naomi, even Jesus, who has the shortest sentence in the Bible devoted to the mourning of His friend.*

“Jesus wept.”
John 11:35

Really, that’s the one that means the most to me. We’re not alone in our grief. There is no one in the universe who loves you and your loved ones more than God. He hates death. He hates that your loved one died. He hates that you are in pain. Yes, God hates. He hates evil, and evil brought death into our world, but he’s got a plan.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
Revelation 21:4

So, if you’re grieving, like I am, hold onto the knowledge that your loved one is simply on a new adventure, one by God’s side, one without the pain and heartache we experience here. Make new memories and adventures to perhaps tell them about when you see them one day. Have faith the size of a mustard seed, and go forward in life with confidence in this truth. Grief is an amorphous creature that takes many shapes, but trust that God knows it well. You can’t and shouldn’t try to handle it alone.

I’ve successfully written this, so maybe this dammed river will flow again soon. God bless.

_{*I have a whole post dedicated to why God would cry over a death if He knew He’d resurrect him soon.} Read Here

Why do you complain to him that he responds to no one’s words? For God does speak – now one way, now another – though no one perceives it.
Job 23:13-14

The world, I believe, is receiving a lesson on listening.

Sometimes, I really long to speak with God, not just pray to Him but hear from Him. Just the other day, I sat outside in the sunshine to eat my lunch while reading Lord of the Rings (I have never read it, just watched the movies). It came to a part where the wizard was rushing out of Frodo’s home, and he promised that although he’d never openly visit again, he would come see Frodo when he least expected it.

“Like me,” I felt God say.

This feeling made me stop my reading and look up. Like Frodo with the wizard, I didn’t want God to just say those words and leave. I wanted Him to stay and converse with me, but I had a sinking feeling that was all He would say.

Then, I noticed the sunlight glinted off the grass as it swayed in the warm breeze, the sound of cars sweeping down our road up front, and the smell of my coffee as I sipped it. The difference, He seemed to say through His creations, between Frodo’s wizard and I, is I never leave. I’m always there in a million subtle ways. Why chatter on incessantly when we can just be together?

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
Psalm 62:5

I think, during this time of social distancing and standstill, the world is learning to listen: to the rhythm of nature, to the heartbeat of their family, to the essence of what makes us human, to the foundations of our world, to the voice of God even in the silence.

Through the news, social media, and various other outlets, I see people talking about community, family, God, and the care of Earth more than I ever did before. The center of the universe has been shaken a bit from ourselves and shallow entertainment. It took the world being put on quarantine to make it happen.

So, whether you’re still busy or being forced to take a Great Pause, take a moment to really listen out for God’s voice, and realize that maybe He speaks to you by simply remaining by your side through it all.