worry

What Remains

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If you’re anything like me, you’ve already read too many articles about the era of history unfolding before us. It’s a strange time to live, and it came so suddenly upon us, I think most of us are still reeling from the changes that this virus, the lockdowns, and just the fear have brought to the world. That’s the thing though, right? This concerns the entire world. I know I’m young(ish), but I don’t recall any single event affecting the entire world so abruptly and at the same time.

We’re all realizing how connected we all are. If such a terrible thing like this virus can spread so quickly from person to person across the globe, then so can a wondrous thing like love, kindness, compassion, and hope. What if, when you serve your neighbor, that joyful servitude spreads, infectious with love, to a child in Japan within a month or two? We usually never know because the CDC doesn’t report spreading acts of compassion, we don’t pause our daily lives for the bellies filled or the smiles created, and we don’t have world-wide counts on the re-born rates of children of God.

I lay in my hammock yesterday realizing something about all of this. I’ve never felt more like a child since I was an actual child. It’s a weird thing to feel, now, during all of this. I used to play all day, from sunrise to sunset if I could, outside, barefoot and dirty. Now, when I step outside I notice that the world of nature hasn’t changed in the face of the news. The birds still sing over the warmer weather. The flowers have been blooming, bringing the joyful buzz of bees. Some days it rains, and the smell brings me back to memories of sitting on my parent’s porch with the wind chimes ringing in the storms.

I always feel closer to God when in nature. When I’m inside, I feel Him too, but I’m distracted by all the man-made stuff, chattering TV, the chores left to do. When I’m outside, I sense Him in His creation, things going on as they have been when He set them in motion. He can be seen in His creation, too. His hope in reflected in the erupting colors of spring, His calm in the gentle, warm breeze. You can feel how solid He is if you stand, barefoot, on the soil and watch His smile in the cotton clouds above.

I guess I’m writing this to tell you that we’re all feeling super complex feelings about this. It’s temporary; this will pass, but difficult times always feel like they’ll last forever. We’re all grieving the loss of control we thought we had over our lives. We’re all anxious sometimes of what tomorrow will bring. The emotions sometimes hit me out of nowhere. You’re not alone; but you’re probably just realizing this more than ever. Everything you do affects the whole world, at some point. We’ve never been in control. God has been this whole time, still is, and He is calm, hopeful, loving, and reaching out to you whatever you’re feeling. Even if all else fell away, He would remain.

Maybe step outside, take your shoes off to feel the ground beneath your feet, and speak to Him.

God bless!

The World’s Afraid to Die

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Photo by Ian Panelo on Pexels.com

It’s on every corner of the internet, TV, radio, podcast, heck even my Bible app was asking me to wash my hands today… the Coronavirus. I remember when I was a child, everyone talking about mad cow disease, Y2K and the strange weather patterns they called El Nino. As I grew older, the world was discussing bird flu, SARs, gosh I can’t remember the names of all the scary new sicknesses through the years.

Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.

John 14:27

I’m not really here to tell you not to be afraid. God is. However, fear can be motivator for action. Maybe we need to know that we aren’t invincible sometimes. Maybe we need reminders that our old, sick, and vulnerable are not being taken care of as well as they should. There’s really no need for worry of the future or whether you and your loved ones will get sick or how this sickness will progress as we learn more about it. Your worry will do nothing. However, if you use the scariness of the situation to pull you into the thick of loving others, if it makes you aware that the world is afraid and many are drowning in storms on a sea of hopelessness without a rock to stand, then maybe all this can be made purposeful.

I was going to repeat my post called “Fear is a Liar,” and you can read that too as it could apply as well in some ways. Yet, I didn’t think it really encompassed this sort of situation where there is a fear about a real and present danger.

If you’re younger than 80 and in fairly good health, you’ll probably be fine and suffer no worse than you would with a flu, according to various sources. But, what if you are older, have bad health, or, like most of us, have loved ones that could be vulnerable? You need to know you have the Rock of Yahweh. He’s here today, like He was here yesterday, and will be here tomorrow. In fact, He exists outside of time itself, so He’s already there in tomorrow before you.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you where you go.

Joshua 1:9

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

There are those of us who have already been affected either ourselves, our loved ones, or simply being quarantined and locked down, our normal lives disrupted. I want you to know that God is by your side, arm around your back, waiting for you to speak to Him your fears, to let Him handle them, so you can be the disciple and priest (all Children of God are His priests!) who loves others and brings them hope and comfort.

You were made for such times as this. It’s no accident you were born in the period you were, so rise, rise up on the faith and hope of God. With Him, you are enough to walk through this fire of fear and chaos on behalf of the many who cannot.

The world needs you because there are many who are unbelievers or are weak of faith, and they are awash in this storm. Stand on the Rock, and call them to the firm place beside you.

God bless! May He heal, comfort, and protect you all.

Do you Believe in Magic?

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“I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” – Jeremiah 32:27

The world likes to dismiss magical situations and miracles as happy coincidences or only the product of mundane happenings. I’d like to suggest that real magic isn’t Harry Potter, wands, cauldrons, and werewolves gathering with vampires to defeat ancient evils. (Side note: As you can tell, I read too many fantasy novels.)

The fact of the matter is, pre-enlightenment (fairly recent history, started around 1700’s) people viewed magic and miracles as commonplace and expected. Part of this is obviously because science, as we know it today, didn’t exist, and most common people filled in the gaps of their knowledge with superstition.

Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; – 1 Timothy 4:7

Let no one disqualify you, insisting on asceticism and worship of angels, going on in detail about visions, puffed up without reason by his sensuous mind, and not holding fast to the Head, from whom the whole body, nourished and knit together through its joints and ligaments, grows with a growth that is from God. – Colossians 2:18-23

If over-belief in magic and mundane were on two separate ends of a pendulum, the world would’ve seen a significant swing from magic to mundane during the enlightenment. In my opinion, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Although we have a brain, given by God Himself, to use and experience the world around you, we have a spirit which sees the unseen, not yet perceptible by scientific means.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:18

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. – 1 Corinthians 2:14

The unseen forces of God move around us always, and we as Children of God, can sometimes see them if God wants. It’s unlikely we’ll have such a dramatic eye-opening miracle as Elisha’s servant:

When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early in the morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. So he asked Elisha, “Oh, my master, what are we to do?”

“Do not be afraid,” Elisha answered, “for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

Then Elisha prayed, “O LORD, please open his eyes that he may see.”

And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw that the hills were full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. – 2 Kings 6:15-17

Angels and their chariots were there to defend them against the Arameans, who surrounded their city by night and outnumbered them. Almost every book of the Bible speaks of miracles and magical or nearly-magical situations. Yet, do you see them nowadays?

I’ll venture to say that few people saw the dramatic miracles that occurred in the Bible, and if anyone saw something like that today, they would dismiss it as either made up or explain it away with hypothetical reasoning.

As an aside, science has explained so much that would have been otherwise feared and cured diseases and injuries that would have otherwise killed millions. There’s too much good in science to not see it as a manifestation of God using man to bless the world.

However, it is, like humanity, limited in its abilities to see and explain God and all He does. A few things science is still trying to figure out: The purpose of dreams, the possibility of life on other planets, the human brain, the depths of the oceans and the life that teems there, the true beginning (like pre-big bang) of life as we know it, time itself, and they’re still working on discovering and cataloging all the living species of Earth (they made good progress on mammals, though). In reality, science is in it’s infancy, and as it advances, we will understand more and more.

However, it will never explain everything concerning God, and it can only reveal what God wants revealed.

Do you know what science has revealed about God, though? Have you ever seen atoms that make up the world? They are like mini-solar systems, complete with a center star composed of protons and neutrons and swirling, circling planets called electrons. We are made of innumerable atoms. They hold small charges of negative and positive, an act of balance and order in the smallest known particle. Have you seen new-born stars or the death of suns? Have you experienced the birth of a child, a small human complete with toes and fingers, a heart, a brain, a soul tucked behind glittering eyes? I need to add something from Job that is beautiful about God’s magic.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

“Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’?

“Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,
that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.
The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

“Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?
Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

“What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?
Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?
Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,
which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,
to water a land where no one lives,
an uninhabited desert,
to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?
Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?
From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

“Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades?
Can you loosen Orion’s belt?
Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead out the Bear with its cubs?
Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God’s dominion over the earth?

“Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?
Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
Who gives the ibis wisdom
or gives the rooster understanding?
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together? – Job 38-41

Understand that He exists beyond our imaginations and senses. Equally, understand that He is also your Father and the Spirit within you. Now, understand that you are made limitless through Him.

He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. – Deuteronomy 10:21

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” – Matthew 19:26

Do you believe in a God of infinite possibilities, or do you limit Him to only what our human minds can understand?

“But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. – Job 5:8-9

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” – Mark 9:23

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” – Matthew 17:20

A lot of what science explains away as rational is also magical and a miracle in and of itself. God is very real. He’s not just some puff of smoke that floats above the cloud tops. He sent His son to show us that He can be touched, heard, and smelled. He is more real than we are.

If you know me, you know our large Hackberry tree fell in our yard a week ago. It’s been leaning toward the house for awhile, since it grew that way. On the day it fell, there was only a 15 minute period when no one was home and when most of our vehicles were out of the yard, and this is when the tree decided to fall. Somehow, it fell mostly away from the house, only causing minor damage to part of the porch, falling around the car that was there, only denting a grill almost underneath it. The only real damage it caused was tearing down a portion of the electric and cable lines, which was all back up within the next day.

I’ve been worrying about that tree falling for awhile, but it never was the “right” time to get it cut down. Now, I won’t have to worry about that tree anymore, and we’ll have more firewood for the winter.

Does this seem like a miracle? Does it seem magical? Does it look like an act of God? To many unbelievers, absolutely not. It was lucky, they might say, that it worked out that way, but pure chance. Yet, the Holy Spirit points out to me the maze of “coincidences” that occurred to make this work out so well. It whispers that although I need to take care of risks in the future, I never need to worry about anything because God holds us all in His hands.

Sometimes, miracles don’t look like happy circumstances from the outside.

When Lot and his family were pressured to leave Sodom, they probably weren’t overjoyed. This was there life, their livelihood, friends, and they had to leave it all behind. Yet, there was a reason God needed to destroy it, and He saved their lives despite His plans.

Sometimes, miracles don’t look dramatic.

It’s the slow but steady healing of an ill person, it’s a hug when you need it most, and sometimes, it’s something so minute, that we don’t see the end result that was ordained.

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” – John 20:29

Magic is simply the unexplainable. Miracles are when the unexplainable works out in our favor. God is the unexplainable.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. – Ephesians 3:20-21

Fear is a Liar

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I confess that I once believed fear and the things it would tell me in the darkness.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

It says “do not fear” hundreds of times in the Bible, one of God’s most frequently repeated commands.

Almost every person spoken of in the Bible faced terrible fear, and it’s very possible even Jesus was overwhelmed with this feeling in the Garden of Gethsemane.

“Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.

When Jesus says that He is troubled, that is the Greek word ἀδημονέω, which can be translated as heavy, feel fear, or lack courage.

Why would the Bible say multiple times that we should not fear, and then show Jesus, a perfect being, as fearful? Well, probably it’s because God understands that most of us will be afraid when facing pain or possible death. The point is not let fear determine our actions nor let it incapacitate us. Jesus showed us what to do when afraid. He turned to the Father and prayed, nonstop. He asked for companionship with fellow believers. Sometimes, though, we are alone in our darkest hour, like Jesus was, and others don’t stand by our side. In that case, let there be no doubt that we need no companionship more than the one with Father God. He will never leave your side.

“Do not fear” is not a command to switch our fears off like a light switch, which is impossible. It’s a comforting phrase to remind us that God is in control always.

“But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

When, not if, I am afraid, I will trust you God. All of us will be afraid at some point. What will you do with it?

Fear is spoken of often in the Word because it is a universal spiritual battle.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear is not from God. It has touched us all in some form, and it is very powerful. However, it’s important to remember that God is more powerful, and with God, you are more powerful.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper.” Psalm 118:6-7

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

We could go on all day with these verses, but I think you get the point. Let me tell you a more personal story.

I’ve dealt with anxiety all my life. I didn’t always understand why I would feel so uncomfortable going to the store or going to tae kwon do classes I’d been going to for years. I didn’t always get that my chronic nightmares were a product of unrecognized emotions. I just avoided things that made it happen when I could. One night as a child, God planted a seed in me that I needed later.

I was relaxing in my safe bedroom when I became unreasonably afraid. Now that I look back, I’m not sure if I just got the creeps for some reason or if it was an anxiety attack. All I know is that I went on high alert, and I couldn’t move from my spot to tell anyone. All I could do was whisper to God from underneath my blankets. So, I did, and I sang to Him for at least an hour.

Slowly at first, the invisible claws that squeezed my heart in fear released until they disappeared. When I say I became unafraid that night, I don’t mean that I simply felt normal again. I felt so without fear, brave, confident in my safety that I was literally smiling as I finally fell asleep.

“Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified.
“It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them:
“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out,
“Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying,
“Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:22-33

Note that Peter said, “tell me to come to you on the water.” He asked for God to help him face his fear. He wanted to experience the fear with God at his side.

Anytime I’ve felt afraid again or anxious in anyway, I try to make it a point to face the fear. Sometimes, I’m unsuccessful. However, I know that the feeling can be overcome with God’s strength, so I pray to myself or aloud in that moment.

Never let fear be the reason you do or don’t do something. Be smart. The emotion is there as a warning signal that there “might” be danger. Don’t walk into a fire or jump off a building because you aren’t acting on fear, obviously. However, if you feel fear when the future is uncertain, don’t act on that fear. The fear will build a wall to block life out. Tear down those bricks; hide under a blanket and say a prayer. Focus your sights on God. Then, come on out and face the world.

God’s got you.

*This article is dedicated to Erin Vincent, a friend who is currently undergoing her own “walk on water” situation.*

Sources other than the Bible:
https://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/christian-trends/what-gideon-in-the-bible-can-teach-you-about-overcoming-fear.html
https://biblicalwoman.com/overcoming-stronghold-fear/
https://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/debbie-mcdaniel/33-verses-to-remind-us–we-do-not-have-to-fear.html

Powerful Connections

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I’m going to let you in on something powerful and amazing.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

God is on your side. He knows more about you and your life than you do. He knows where all the smallest decisions will bring you and your loved ones. He knows your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your regrets, and your deepest darkest secrets.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:26-31

The almighty God who has risen and tumbled nations, can awake the dead, and formed the massive universe with it’s infinite beauty – loves YOU.

He loves you more than you could ever imagine. If you are a mere image of Him, think of how much more He is, how much more He loves. You think you know about all-consuming love, but you have no idea when it comes to Him. He loves you so much, He sacrificed His son for you and calls you (yes, YOU!) His child. The King of literally everything calls you His child.

“‘I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters,’ says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthian 6:18

You have connections.

So, how you could ever worry about anything? You’re worried about your finances? What is money to God? He owns everything you need and want. You’re worried about relationships? God is all about love and connection. He’s on it. I bet you’ve told your best friend, your co-worker, maybe even the stranger bagging your groceries about your worries. Have you told God? Have you asked for help from God? Have you truly believed that God is bigger than this world and your worries?

One morning, a few days ago, I was struck once again with petty worries about finances. It hit me that I’d never taken this specific issue to God. So, I poured my heart out to God for about five minutes and went about my day. That very afternoon, we had unexpected money show up in our account. To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

This was a need. However, what about something you want? I’ve always felt selfish whenever I ask for something I only want from God. It’s like, He’s providing all my needs, why should I want for more? Let me tell you something, child of God.

God is your heavenly dad, and as a parent He wants your joy and your smile. He wants to be the one who causes it. Bring your desires to God. Understand that sometimes you won’t get what you want. You may not understand why right now, or ever, but some things you want aren’t the best for you. Sometimes, He has something greater in store. Still talk with Him as a child would ask a parent.

A couple years ago, when I was struggling with anxiety issues, I really wanted a window by my work cubicle to see the sunshine and the rain. I felt peaceful anytime I reconnected with the outside world. At the time, there was really only two windows available to cubicles, and those were not possible for those with my job title. Lo and behold, it was a few months later when they started renovations. You won’t believe me. They built windows, and I finally had my window cubicle. The impossible became reality. Such a small desire, and God made it happen. I’m convinced He rebuilt the building just for me.

God transcends time and space. He will provide for you. He’s waiting, arms spread open, for you to run into his embrace. He’s waiting for you to speak to Him exactly what’s on your mind, including all the rage, the tears, and the pain. He wants to connect with you, one-on-one.

Would you talk with Him today, and give Him a piece of your heart? If you want or need something, why wouldn’t you speak to One who owns all?

If you’re interested, here are more verses about this subject:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7

“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:22

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Luke 11:9

“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Luke 11:13

“When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” James 4:3

“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” James 14:13-14

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6-7

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” John 15:7

“At Gibeon the Lord appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream, and God said, ‘Ask for whatever you want me to give you.'” 1 Kings 3:5

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…” Ephesians 3:20

Let It Go (Not the Song) ;-)

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Sometimes, we all have to accept help from others. It allows others to feel good about themselves, strengthens relationships, and reminds you that you can not do life alone. Not if you want to actually live and enjoy it.

I have decided to go to my grandmother’s burial in New Hampshire. It will be a complicated plan in order to get me there and back without a plane (I am terrified) and in time for work the next week, making sure my parents cat is taken care of, and that my child is being watched since my husband works nights. Both my husband and my mother-in-law will end up taking a day off work just to let me go. Then, my husband will be driving non-stop from here to New Hampshire (a 12-15 hour drive) and then back to South Carolina since my parents will not be leaving for home for a week. Deep breath. I originally was not going to go.

My first thoughts, when I heard of the burial, spiraled out of control, and I could not get past my sudden anxiety. How would I be able to accomplish all this? So many people have to pitch in to help me? Suddenly, I was creating excuses on why I did not need to show up. I have not shown up there in years. Now, after my grandparents have passed way, now, I am showing up to bury them. It seems lame. I am making too many people miss work. Cadence will miss me. I will miss her too much. This will be the longest I have been away from her. Can we afford all this gas? Can I face all these remote family members without having a panic attack (I have social anxiety issues)? Who is going to take care of everything back home? The house will end up too messy. Everyone and everything will go under if I am not there to singlehandedly keep things running smoothly!!

Yeah, do not laugh. This is serious business.

Then, my sweet husband stopped me abruptly and gave me a reality check. We got this. If you want to go, he said, do not worry about how we will make this happen. Just go, and I will figure everything out on this side. It did not stop my flooding thoughts, but it did feel like a breath of fresh air. It gave me pause enough to reconsider the flooding thoughts. It made me realize how foolish I was being. Of course, my responsibilities matter, but we were not meant to do all this alone. God made us, and God, even God, comes in a trifecta of power. Even he is connected with others. He wants us to be connected too. It almost makes me cry to think on it. I finally decided to go. My grandmother’s burial is more important than all this worry. My feelings are good for guidance, but they were never intended to be my master. Only God is. He would want me there, even if just to support my dad. Seeing that father’s day is coming up, this is even more important, seeing he is missing HIS dad AND his mom. I wish I could have known my grandparents more, but distance and the illusion of singlehanded independence blinded me to the fact that time was passing on things that matter. Let Jesus take the wheel, let the Father calm your heart, let the Spirit show you the way. Reality check in more than one way and more than just this situation.

If I am doing this here, I am doing this in many places, and I may end up regreting much more. I would regret not going. I wish to be there for my dad, to let go of my grandparents, to say goodbye even if I did not say hello enough, to see the relatives I never get to see, to not make the same mistakes again, to feel the sunrise in the north, to have one-on-one time with my husband and parents in the car, to let go. Let it go. Relax. God’s got this. Ask for help. That is my lesson. I hope to take it to heart and work on this throughout my life in many ways. I have to make a note for myself to remember. This is what matters. Love matters. Sometimes, the ones who try to carry it all need to be carried.